I was leading a discussion in my Marriage, Family and Intimate Relationships course the other day on
the hows and the whys of parents discussing sex with their children. I was dismayed when a man who has an eleven year old daughter said that it's not necessary for
parents to discuss sex with their children, because they'll learn everything that they need to know in
school. I'd like to make a case for why it's important for parents to have these discussions with their
kids. First, not all schools have a comprehensive sex education
program. Some schools only teach about
biological functioning, leaving out all information about intercourse, birth
control/contraception, and human sexual motivations. Additionally, some teachers are uncomfortable
presenting this material, so they gloss over it. Worse
yet, some teachers are sex negative, and promote sex negative ideas, such as
sex is only for straight people, gay men and lesbian women are sexual deviants, sex for pleasure is unacceptable, and having sex means you're virtually guaranteed to contract a sexually
transmitted infection (STI). Second,
when children do not have access to accurate information, they often rely on
their friends for sex education, and I don't know about you,
but I heard some crazy things about sex from my friends when I was a child. When I was ten, one of my friends told me
that a condom is something that a boy puts on his penis to make it bigger! I'm sad to say that I believed this for many
years. Third, if you care about your children's sexual values, it's
important that you share yours with your children. If you want your children to only have sex
with people with whom they share mutual respect and affection, tell them so! If you
want your children to be responsible about sex--using condoms and/or other birth control methods-- make this clear to
them and give them access to contraception.
If you feel uncomfortable discussing sex with your children,
know that this is normal, but part of parenting is teaching your children about
life, and sex is a part of life. If
your child balks at these discussions, he or she is responding to your
discomfort, and that’s okay, but it's important to persevere. There are a number of good books on the
market that can give you good fodder for how and when to discuss sex with your
child. You can also read these books
with your child. I recommend It’s so Amazing! by Robie Harris (http://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing-Families-Library/dp/0763613215/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_til?tag=wwwdrmichel04-20&linkCode=w00&creativeASIN=0763613215). Another thing to remember is that if a child is old enough to
ask questions, he or she is old enough to receive honest answers. You needn't give more information that what
the child asks, though. If,
for example, a small child asks how a baby gets in a mommy's belly you
can simply say that a daddy plants a seed in the mommy's belly and it grows into a baby. If the child persists, and asks how the seed
got there, then your child is old enough to know about intercourse. You
can simply say that a daddy puts his penis inside a mommy's vagina and seeds come out. By the way, it's important to use
anatomically correct names when discussing sex with children. It's a disservice
to children to use silly name for genitals, such as dingle or wee-wee or hoo-ha. If children aren't given proper names for
these parts, they may be terribly confused about sex. When
I was a child and my mother told me that a baby comes out of your bottom, I wasn't sure if that meant that I'd grow up and poop out a
baby someday. Do your children the favor of being a parent who is a
trustworthy source of information, who lets them know you care about them
growing up to be sexually responsible, sex positive, and sexually well adjusted
adults. I can only hope my student will
reconsider being this for his daughter.
She deserves to know her dad cares. |
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